Becoming a stepmom is a gradual process of earning trust, being available but not intrusive, and learning to love in a way you were woven to for that specific stepchild.

You see, with any sort of parenting whether it be from your own womb, a blended family of added bonus children, or even adoption, we are never given a manual on how to best love the children graciously given to us. We really don’t get this day to day handbook on how to be a parent because each child is unique with their own love languages and wills.

There is a difference when you birth your own though-you instantly love them, and they love you with no reserve. When you “step” into the picture to become another mother there is a love that takes patience, learning of the child, and gaining their confidence.

I believe there are two different kinds of step-moms. There is one that may be “stepping” into a new family after the biological mother passed or the biological mother is no longer in the picture due to poor choices. Then there is the mother that “steps” into the field of remarriage, gains a bonus child or more with her very own children (That would be my case and that is the platform I will be speaking from today). This is when families become blended. And in our situation we also have had one son after remarrying and another on the way. We have 5 total. 🙂 The newest addition will be here in August. My husband had one daughter and I had one daughter and a son from previous marriages. So, if you could imagine there has been a lot of transition for everyone. And by Gods grace I am trying my hardest to take each day with eyes wide open and heart even more open to the needs of each child.

I fell hard in love with the man I prayed for specifically back in 2016–was it an easy road joining two homes with children already established? What do you think? We had many obstacles, but our love burned through them all. (No pun intended…our house burned to the ground 5 months after we were married) But in our vows crazy enough I had said he was my beauty from ashes…. God is in control and makes all things beautiful in His timing.

We became a blended family in June of 2017:

Now before I head into what my heart really wants to release, please understand I am being very vulnerable and I hope you will read my words with grace. I write only out of obedience to the Lord.

I want to touch back on the difference of “stepping” into a position that we are granted. Most of the time we as adults don’t even understand the true emotion of what it feels like going back and forth from parents home, gaining another “mom” “dad” and possible “sibling(s).”

If the mother is present and still involved in the step child you gained into your family then by all means do not overstep any boundaries of stating you are just as much their mother as their biological mother. We as the stepmom are to be available as much as they need us, but never should have the final say or even the first say on big decisions for that child. Yes, we are still to lay out some rules and gain respect from that child, but if there is another loving mother in the picture she trumps us as the step mother.

Do not be that controlling stepmom that takes matters into her own hands and thinks it is okay to cut the stepdaughters hair off, take them to go get a big girl bra, take them shopping for a big event like Prom, buy them make-up and show them how to put it on or anything else that the biological mother had been looking forward to all her life to do with her girl.

Divorce robs the broken family of enough as it is, don’t be that woman that adds extra heartache out of selfish motives to hurt out of envy and to make yourself feel better.

Do not try to replace the special bond a mother has with her son. Simply put–have enough respect to be available to the step child you gained by not overstepping grounds that were not yours originally.

HOWEVER—Yes, by all means have fun with your step children. Yes, by all means go to their games and support them. Yes, help them when they ask for help. Yes, set up boundaries so you are not taken advantage of as you still do have authority in the home while they are living with you. Yes, hug them and tell them you love them (if you are to that point in your relationship)

From one stepmom to another be kind, be respective, be cordial–if you are given a chance to. I understand not all relationships are healthy, but for the sake of the children be an adult and make the atmosphere always a safe place.

If you want to follow along our tribe you can find me on Instagram

During my divorce I wrote a book on my personal journey as I felt the Lord leading me to write for one year. You can find it on Amazon; The Pilgrimage of Divorce.

Two more months to go until we welcome another girl into our family.

Thank-you for joining me here. This is a safe place. No condemnation here. If you feel you have failed as a stepmom as crossing some boundaries tomorrow is filled with new mercies. We are all learning and I hope we can learn from one another and help one another along the way.

If you know a stepmom or you are one yourself I would love if we pray for one another.

xo,

Anna Davis